Trade our places. Take no chances.

http://www.aftonmichelle.com/post/64964257946/this-is-my-jam-tether-by-chvrches

20, 25, 29.....30.

For those of you who don’t know me or just know me via the interwebz, hi. I’m Afton. Sometimes I tweet, sometimes I tumblr. You might know my face from the book of faces. While all of that is fun, I hope for this to be a little more personal. 

On March 10^th I turned 30 years old. For those of you who have already passed that marker and want to say something along the lines of “oh it’s not so bad,” (while you might be right and I appreciate that) let’s hold that thought for a moment or 10. We all have periods of our lives (at least I think we do) where we stop what we’re doing and take a look around and are either totally pumped about where our lives are at and where they might be going, or have this "come-to-Jesus moment" where we feel like things might need a second look. I swear I’m the overachiever in the latter and have done this every single year since turning 24-ish.

With everything I have been blessed with in my life – a loving family, working for a company I only dreamt of being a part of, my health, a roof over my head, wonderful friends, the opportunities I took at a young age to travel and live in different places across the country – there is still a void. I’m pretty sure John Mayer wrote a song about this. Sing it, John.

We all have our inner struggles with envy in various parts of life whether it’s envy over a job, self image, children, health, marriage, talent, or wealth. This here is mine.

At the risk of dropping names or angering anyone I’ve previously dated (you know who you are so you can relax), keep in mind that this is my space. My blog. My thoughts. And it’s nice to read something that’s very real every once in a while, at the risk of the writer (in this case, me) humiliating him/herself. Those are my favorite reads because I can respect those stories.

I am standing here in 2013 on the coast of summer again. Last summer (2012, if you aren't living in the present) was a rollercoaster of challenges and also pure joy. In conversation I have described it as the best and worst, but last summer really was THE best summer I’ve had in a very long time. I spent it with amazing friends who have become like family, I traveled, and without the risk of sounding crazy – I fell in love pretty quickly. It was that gross kind of enchantment. You know, where you drive 350 miles to surprise someone you just met weeks before and everything is perfect so they fly you to Athens, Georgia and out of nowhere you get sick but go out with bronchitis and dance to 8d’s music anyway and jump the gun and say something huge because you’re super excited and in some loving moment you share with that person it makes all the sense in the world but later you eventually regret it even though you both said it and it comes back to haunt you and the only way to convey the repercussions of this to you (the reader) is to write a super long-run-on sentence? …Yeah, that kind. We’ve all felt that way whether we’ve verbalized it or not, so I’m ok with saying it out loud. I’ll come back to this guy later.

My twenties were spent in two (and one half) long-term relationships. The first was a five-year relationship that took me out of my small hometown upbringing to the eye-opening big city of Los Angeles, CA. It was a decision that changed who I was as a person and taught me more about who I could be and what I wanted out of life. It was the best decision I’ve ever made and a young love that was real and more than I could have asked for. But young has to grow up and after five years together in our early twenties, we didn’t share the same path. To this day I consider him one of my best and truest friends and the reason I started a journey that I might not have otherwise. 

The "and one half" relationship I'm referring to was on and off for 5 years. I met this person my sophomore year as an undergrad just before moving to California. The timing wasn't right, but we had a true friendship and wonderful connection. Even when I moved back home two years later, the timing still wasn't right. Hearts were being pulled by long my disintegrating long-distant relationship and the love this person and I shared at home. On our third attempt three years later, I was living back in California and he in St. Louis. We tried our best but I didn't have another long distance relationship in me. Hence, bad timing creeping up on me again. 10 years after meeting him, we both see each other as "the one that got away." But at the end of the day, his happiness and talent fuels my happiness for him and the love that he has found. He deserves it.

The latter of these two is still present in my life. Upon my decision to move from Los Angeles to Chicago, I brought a partner in crime. I will spare the details and just say, it's a crazy situation, but in the last five years he has been by my side through literally everything and I love him dearly. Some people may regret a relationship that didn't go the way you anticipated or that made you see sides of yourself that you never knew were there. I never have felt that regret. If it is meant to be, it will. I guess that's what I'm waiting to find out. But, every experience has something to offer and teach you. He is a wonderful person and is close to my heart. We share a dog and a closeness that is confusing as shit, let’s be real. But we are who we are. 

When I think about what happened last summer – It’s weird. In my early twenties I probably would have brushed the situation off and gone on to the next thing. After all, it was a flame that lasted only a few short months and then flickered out. But here's why it was a different experience for me. As we get older our priorities change. Timing and I have never been BFFs but this one approached me at over 6 feet tall with long hair, a beard, and a good smile - so I was all, "Hey boy. Nice accent." All of this at a time where I was (unknowingly) ready to put myself out there. At 29, it’s not as easy to do as when you were 25. But those real moments where you feel like you truly connect are few and far in between.

…So I embraced the shit out of it.

Why am I telling you this? Did I get burned? Yes. Am I still burning? No. When I want to write - I just start tapping keys and whatever generates, goes. But real talk: I reflect on it because I learned so much about myself in a short period of time. I’m just a young lady like many single city-going gals who are in the same boat - living this sort of Sex in the City life – with less sex and more “Is this real life...? Where is this going...? Do I have enough money for those shoes?” kind of a thing…

I think it’s important to evaluate what you really want out of life and at the end of the day, what it is you value. What your expectations are for your future, how you feel in certain situations and about people that come in and out of your life. Whether you feel like you fell too hard, too fast or maybe you broke someone’s heart, you’re not crazy for having real feelings and you're the opposite of crazy for telling them how you feel. Timing has never been my thing but in all fairness - why should timing get the final say? People have a tendency to freak out when something good comes out of left field or someone tells it like it is.
Why? IDK!! Embrace that shit, people! On on the other hand, some people just aren’t for you - but how will you ever know what side of your life they belong on if you don't put on that bathing suit and jump in? If it's too cold, you GTFO. If it's nice, stay a while. PS - this applies to any area of your life where you feel challenged. Maybe you or I will have regret later; maybe not. At the end of the day - what I want and value in life is just to be happy. And I will go wherever that takes me. Being true to yourself is what makes you great on your own two feet doing what you do best: YOU. I just have to remember not focus too much on the past when it didn’t work like I had hoped or anticipated. It just helped carry me to this moment and place in time.

Except for that part where he actually did act like a douche. I was totally right about that.

Maybe that's why they call "the now" the present. Because it's a gift brought to you by where you came from. Your past.

C'est la vie.

Drive

We can only grow at the pace life allows us to move. If we don’t embrace what is in front of us because of our past, we may miss something life changing and fantastic. 

I try and try to keep my eyes open and push uncertainties away and embrace the sun. Life has taught me there is always going to be a risk of failure or heartache – weather can change. But those things lead to strength and personal knowledge. Rebirth.

Do you really believe that we all go through life without reason, direction, or purpose? I don’t. Everything in it, everything introduced or re-introduced into your life is a road to somewhere that could be close to YOUR perfect. 

So take the wheel and steer. 

Dear Maggi

Dear Maggi,

As your oldest sister with a gaping 12 years in between us and about 276 miles - I wanted to tell you a couple of things..

Since you were 8, I've had to watch you grow up from a distance between living in California and Chicago. People always ask me why I would ever leave California for Chicago. "You left the sunshine and ocean for snow?!" Uh, yeah. I'm crazy - I know. It's -10 here and my friends are still sunbathing in Long Beach. (P.S. LB friends - summers out here are the jam. We just hibernate for 6 months.) But the first thing out of my mouth when I respond (right before my wanting to be closer to my family, obviously) is - "Well...I have two younger sisters and I just felt like I was missing out on so much of their lives." It bothered me knowing I missed almost all of Casey's high school years and moments I wish I could have been there for. Now I look at her and see the gorgeous and bright young little teacher she is about to become and IT'S CRAY. Time goes by so much faster when you miss things. Being here, I've at least been able to see more of your last three years. 

I can't tell you how much of a treat it is for me to watch you dance. I can't stop bragging about how fantastic you are - all of you. You're entire team is incredible. You come from a long line of cheerleaders so the fact that you went this route was different and let's be real - we've all seen mom and dad's dance moves and Casey and I can drop it like it's hot but that's about the extent of it. I don't know where you get it. I did have that one shining moment in 1996 with Megan in that jazz dance class. In hindsight, I'm pretty sure it was full of Fitness & Fun rejects and well...you can ask mom how that went down. There's video somewhere I should have burned by now.

On a serious note - I am so proud and in awe of the talent that you have. You have a passion and beauty on that floor that is nothing like I've seen. Don't ever give that up. One thing I've learned in my almost 30 years is that following your heart and doing/discovering what you love is of most importance and the most rewarding thing you can do for yourself; win or lose, supporters or doubters. Uncertainty, risk, and fear builds character. I say this because you're standing on the brink of a time that is going to be life shaping. You and Casey are such brave and bold young ladies and I couldn't be a prouder big sister.

Mags, you shine so bright and I hope you hang on to that for as long as you can and as long as you want to. Because you can honestly do anything.

Make the most of what is left of this last competition season. And kick some serious ass along the way.

Mom - stop crying.

xoxo,
Aft.